Free for women · Kelowna + online · October to March
TheRulebook Sessions
Twelve rules women never agreed to. We break one at a time.
A free evening, every second Wednesday, until April. Breath, singing bowls, one short teaching, and one rule broken out loud, alongside women doing exactly the same thing. Some nights are in a room in the Okanagan. Others are online, in your own kitchen, with your camera on or off.
Nobody ever sat you down and told you to be smaller.
You learned it anyway. From a room that went quiet once when you were loud. From a woman who ate standing up. From an aunt at a wedding asking a question about your body and thinking she was making conversation.
You didn't agree to any of it. You were eight, and you were paying attention, and paying attention was the right thing to be doing.
That's a rulebook, not a personality. And the thing about a rulebook is that once you can see it, you can start breaking it.
What actually happens
The same seventy-five minutes, every time
It never changes, because knowing exactly what the evening will ask of you is what makes it safe enough to do something new in it.
- We land.Four house rules, read out every time. No introductions. Nobody says what she does for a living.
- We breathe.Ten minutes, always gentle. Nothing fast, nothing forced.
- The bowls.Twelve minutes of guided meditation with singing bowls. This is the part people tell their friends about.
- A short teaching.Where that week's rule came from, whose voice it's in, and who benefits when you obey it.
- One small breaking.The actual work. Small on purpose. You'll do something you haven't done in thirty years and discover that nothing happens afterwards.
- A group share.A tight question, answered in threes. Never tell us about yourself. Always what came up when you tried?
Then one thing to take into the next two weeks. Never journaling. Always a behaviour, once, in the wild.
The house rules
Four rules we do keep
They're read out at the start of every session, and the room holds them for each other.
No apologizing.
Not for your background noise, not for taking a turn, not for crying.
No diet talk.
Not about food, not about bodies, not about your own.
No "this'll sound silly, but."
No self-deprecation as a warm-up. Say the thing without the airbag.
Nobody has to say why.
You can break any rule in this room without ever explaining where you learned it. Nobody will ask you. I won't ask you.
That last one is the load-bearing one. You can do every single thing in this series without telling anyone anything about yourself.
The twelve
Four families, three rules each
The Body
What your body is allowed to be, and to show
- Carry no evidence of what you have done
- Your biology should inconvenience no one
- Do not age
The Voice
What you're allowed to say, and how loudly
- Be quiet
- Do not be angry
- Do not trust yourself
The Space
How much room you may occupy
- Be small
- Apologize first
- Do not outshine
The Worth
What makes you allowed to be here
- Be useful before you are anything else
- Your worth is reproductive
- Wanting is unseemly
Most women recognize eight or nine of these immediately, and get ambushed by one.
The dates
One rule every two weeks, lightest to heaviest
Each one stands on its own. Come to the ones whose rule is yours.
- 01Wed Oct 14Apologize firstIn person
- 02Wed Oct 28Be smallIn person
- 03Wed Nov 11Be quietIn person
- 04Wed Nov 25Be useful before you are anything elseIn person
- 05Wed Dec 9Do not trust yourselfOnline
- A four-week break for the holidays
- 06Wed Jan 6Do not outshineOnline
- 07Wed Jan 20Your biology should inconvenience no oneOnline
- 08Wed Feb 3Do not ageOnline
- 09Wed Feb 17Do not be angryOnline
- 10Wed Mar 3Carry no evidence of what you have doneOnline
- 11Wed Mar 17Your worth is reproductiveOnline
- 12Wed Mar 31Wanting is unseemlyIn person
Who it's for, said plainly
This is for women who read that list and felt caught by at least one of them.
You don't need to be in crisis, in therapy, or in the middle of anything. You don't need to have done meditation before. You don't need to want a retreat.
You will never be asked to tell your story. There's no sharing circle, no disclosure round, no going around saying what brought you here. Some women in these sessions are carrying very large things and do every exercise without anyone knowing.
And to be honest about the other side: this isn't therapy, and it isn't a substitute for it. If you're in acute crisis, this room can't hold that, and I'd rather say so here than have you find out on a Wednesday.
The practical bit
Free. Live. No recording.
- Actually free. There's no upsell in the room.
- Live only, no recording. It's a room, not a video.
- You can leave at any moment without explaining anything to anybody.
- You don't have to come to all twelve. Register for the ones you want.
Sessions 01–04 & 12
In a room
Kelowna area; the address comes with your RSVP. Doors 6:45pm, we start at 7:00 and finish at 8:15, then tea for half an hour. The half hour afterwards is half the point.
Places are limited by the size of the room. Bring a friend. Wear something you can move in, and bring a cushion if you like the floor.
Sessions 05–11
Online
6:30–7:45pm Pacific / 9:30–10:45pm Eastern. Camera optional, always. A lot of women do the whole series with theirs off.
Bring something to write on and something warm to drink. That's it.
Who's running it
I'm Chivonne.
I'm a speaker, author and grief and resilience educator, and I've spent two decades in trauma-aware work: circles, retreats and rooms like this one.
I've found myself in so many of these rules. I made myself small to fit in, to be enough, to be liked. Then my dad died, and it was the kick in the face I needed to stop living for other people and start choosing myself. That's when I started writing my own rules.
These twelve come from a year of building a retreat called Shame or Shine. I break them alongside you, every session. I'm not doing this from the outside.
Author of the forthcoming memoir No Body to Bury · creator of the Grace, Space + Base™ framework
Free · Live · No recording
Save my place
Leave your email and I'll send you the details for each session, plus a reminder on the morning of. Come to one or come to all twelve.
There's a weekend version
Shame or Shine is April 9–11, 2027, at Timber Ridge Ranch, outside Vernon: ten women, all twelve rules in one weekend, one long table, ending at a fire. It's a separate thing, and you don't need to want it to come to these. If you're curious, it's here.